Drive with a heart.....

Yesterday evening; I was riding back from office to my room. On the way there was a red light at a traffic point, we all stopped and were waiting for green signal to come. The green signal came for us to go on, that time a guy (wearing no helmet and having a pillion rider) in a scooter broke the red light from the left and sped past us and in the process hitting a bike which was just ahead of me. And a very Indian thought came to me that second, “What if it was me?” The bike toppled and the biker fell off. His rear view mirror was broken and some scratches on the bike’s body. I am not sure if that guy had any injury or not. This biker was an over careful guy I think, because he was wearing helmet and a raincoat (pant and jacket) in a bright sunny day like yesterday. I was feeling sorry that there no fault of this guy and still he had to suffer all the losses. The scooter rider, well nothing happened to him and nobody had the presence of mind to write his registration number; not even me. I just wished this guy should have met with a freaky accident, but No he sailed past with no problems.

So you see, this is what I concluded from yesterday’s incident that - no matter how well you follow the rules of the road and how well you drive; it just takes somebody else’s carelessness to end you up in a service centre or a hospital or both. Why cannot you, I and we all be a bit considerate on the road? Considerate – towards the road rules, towards other fellow vehicle drivers and pedestrians. Why do we have to have a speed racer’s attitude on the road full of people trying to commute to their work place or home? We are neither driving to save the world nor are we covering a lot of distance (at least not in Bangalore’s traffic!!) by rash driving. Then, why do we do it? I agree that am not a great personality when it comes to driving, but I do make sure I stop at RED, show indicators while taking turns and do not jeopardize my life (and in the process other’s fellow rider’s life) by over speeding or overtaking at turns. That is the least I can do (I SHOULD DO precisely!!) being the next generation and supposed to bring the wave of difference in the Shining India. So please guys and gals, uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters (I know I don’t have a great audience for my blog but still) please drive with some consideration.

Life Changes. So we need to Change....

60 years; that is the average age of a couple that I met recently at the park bench in Bangalore. With 30 years being the time since they are married. Both were government employees and are retired now. They had a son and a daughter. Son earns handsomely in a MNC and daughter is also working. Both are happily married to a good family. Well doesn’t it sound like the Picture Perfect life that we all want or dream of for our self and our children? Hmmm.. Very true…. but then is it that perfect after all? 

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Ok so let’s get into the lives of Ram (61) and Sunitha (60). Ram and Sunitha are old time love married couples (when I say old its as old as late 1970s). Sunitha liked his frankness & protectiveness and Ram just loved her outgoing & independent nature. They were happy together from their first day of marriage. They had a son –Shantanu- after 2 years of marriage. And 5 years later had a daughter - Deepa. Both grew up to be average but well mannered students and never ever tarnished their parents name by doing anything wrong. And as I said earlier the guy got a good job in an MNC with frequent visits to foreign locales. Gal after her studies got a good job too and few years later married to a good family. They had earned enough; after their hardships and compromises, to construct a big enough house in Kerala after retirement. All their neighbors and relatives used to envy that this is the perfect family that anybody could ask for. But all was not so perfect at home - L.

Ram and Sunitha were working in Karnataka and when retired returned to their home town Kerala. After being retired he (Ram) suddenly had to face a grim reality that nobody actually knew him (read as cared for him) in Kerala. While back in Karnataka he was a well known face in the town and had lots of people paying their respect to him and calling him “sir”. So it was quite depressing for him. He started feeling a rejected guy. Here he was just another guy retired and taking rest; and one nobody admired him much. So a sudden urge in him to be known by people around him; made him to mingle with neighbors and distant relatives around. The problem with Kerala – Gods Own Country; in particular some areas of Kerala, is that people are quite narrow minded and sarcastic at times. And that is something people who have stayed out cannot adjust to. Being with this new group of friends he started to become one of them and started behaving like them. Being sarcastic while talking and started assuming things and felt very agitated at people giving opinion about things that was his selection or choice (for e.g. paint of house, choice of curtains etc.) and finally having to curb the expenses because they were retired now. He was not able to know how he was hurting people (his near dear ones) by saying things like that. Sunitha on the other hand started comparing Ram to how he was all those years they were together. She saw that he was getting stressed and angry for silly things – a quality he never had. He was a short tempered guy but never this bad. She couldn’t help but think that his bad temper had something to do with her lack of job (she was on her pension, thus not having enough money to contribute to him). She started being hostile towards him because anything (suggestions, opinions, ideas etc.) she said to him ended in a negative or sarcastic note. The frequent night time talks that they used to have before sleep started decreasing. These small talks in the night were the one that actually made more sense than any other sane discussion between them during the working hours. Great decisions have been made and bigger issues resolved over this small talk in the night.

The young look of Ram started taking a toll because of his negative attitude or say negative energy accumulation within him. His young look at 50s was the much talked about thing among his friend’s and colleagues because of his yoga and happy family life. Close friends of the family started noticing the same and would ask “Why are you looking all stressed and suddenly old Ram? Your daughter is happily married and son is having a good job and family. What more can you ask for?” But Ram laughed it off saying “Hey I am not stressed!!” and continued being this way and causing the distance between him and Sunitha to increase.

After few months of their settlement in Kerala, Sunitha decides to call it quits and left to daughter, Deepa’s house in Karnataka. Deepa’s husband Chetan; the Son-in-law a very calm and down to earth fellow, couldn’t help but notice that there is something wrong between MIL (Mother in law) and FIL (Father in law). He started talking with MIL when nobody was around and he got to know all from her that was necessary. He kept thinking about it for some days and discussed the same with Shantanu and Deepa. After some days of discussion they felt that the only way this two people can be happy together is by Self-Realization.

Self-realization on Ram’s part -

• To understand that at the end of the day people get hurt, just like he does. Weigh what you are going to say against how you would have felt if the same was told to you by someone else.
• Be with friends and socialize with relatives; but understand that family is the one that will be with you at all odds. So
• Enjoy life!! Start looking at the beauties of nature. Take a break. Go for a holiday with your better half. All major responsibilities of his life are over.
• Be aware but not responsible for what is going on in his children’s life. Understand that they have a life of their own now and will manage well just like he and Sunitha did when they had met and married. Give suggestions if asked but don’t get involved and tensed because of their problems. They are grown up.
• People are different so their likes and dislikes are also different. So when it comes to opinions, don’t outright reject it aggressively. Or see their opinions as rejection of yours. Consider it and reason why can or cannot it be selected.
• Work hard to make the relationship work.
• Don’t go back and talk about things compromised or done years back. NEVER!!

Self-realization on Sunitha’s part –

• People change with age and environment. So we have to be patient with relationship. Relationships can get stressed; that’s a test. And try to discuss with Ram on issues where she may have been hurt or felt that he may have hurt someone with his harsh words. Try to make him sit on other’s shoe and understand the situation.
• He may not always mean what he meant. That is he may not have meant as bad as you took it.
• She should not become outright negative towards his friends and relatives. Just consider them as entities of a larger society that won’t affect y our relationship and family affairs. Because that would create an unwanted negative energy within you.
• Work hard to make the relationship work.
• Don’t go back and talk about things compromised or done years back. NEVER!!

After discussion with Shantanu and Deepa they came up with a plan. They bought a 7 day couples tour package for both of them. And convinced both of them to go for this tour. Before leaving they were both handed a set of placards and a plain sheet. There were 5 placards in each set with the following written oven them:

• DON’T DISCUSS A 3^Rd PERSON!! - To be shown to the other whenever they start talking about someone else (Good or bad about anyone. Be it Friends, enemy or children).
• SEE THE BEAUTY!! – To be shown when you Notice something beautiful. It can be out of simple things. For e.g. see a kingfisher hunting a fish, or sun set/rise etc. Discuss with your counterpart what you felt was beautiful. One more thing done say it for the sake of finding a beauty. Feel it and then describe the beauty.
• YOU ARE GETTING ANGRY!! – To be shown to other person when he is getting angry.
• YOU ARE GETTING TENSED!! – To be shown to the other person when he/she starts getting tension. For e.g. the food may not be coming on time, the bus ticket may not be available, there maybe rain etc.
• SLOW DOWN!! – To be shown to the other whenever they are rushing the things. For e.g. taking bath fast, eating fast, walking fast etc. You are here for a holiday not for a running race.

In the back of the placards was the number 1-7 in the following manner.

1 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

2 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

……

7 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Every time you do anything that is there in the placard you get a * from the other. That is if ram says anything about somebody else then Sunitha gives a * on the placard against that particular day. Starting from 1^st, 2^nd - 7^th day. Similarly if Ram says something good about something beautiful that he noticed he gets a * from Sunitha for the same and vice versa.

At the end of 7th write in the plain sheet - WHAT DID YOU REALIZE AFTER THIS TRIP?

After the 7 days trip the couples were looking younger and happier. Few wrinkles decreased. The placards were having quite a lot of * in the beginning 2-3 days against the negative ones and gradually loosing the same and gaining more against the good one. They had written a quite lengthy description about their realization. I am not telling what they wrote. It is something any loving couple would have wrote after self realization.

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60+ years; that is the average age of a couple that I met recently at the park bench in Bangalore, while they wait for Chetan to bring them paani puri. A happy looking couple they are now, having handled some ups and downs in relationship with maturity.

Nobody is made for each other; it’s just that people have to make it up for each other.